I started this blog at the suggestion of a good friend, who, by function of geography, I don’t get to see as often as I’d like. It seems like a really good way to keep up with the people I care about when I’m not physically close enough to go for coffee as much as I would like.
There are a few people that fit that description now, flung far and wide to England, Sacramento, and most recently Portland, but, as I may have mentioned, and will most definitely mention again, I am moving soon.
Leaving.
Moving.
Going away from everything I know forever and ever and ever. Amen.
It’s only the third entry and I’m already sick of writing that. Well, it will only be for the next 16 weeks. Then I will have moved! Away! Forever and ever and… you get the picture. Once that happens the majority of people that I care about will be elsewhere, and such a method of communication and connection will be even more crucial.
I mean, if you guys care… or whatever. Hmph.
Anyway. Seeing as I love to talk about me (I mean, who doesn’t) I know I’ll probably find myself expounding upon the minutia of my own experience and possibly over-examined inner self. Having a blog could also be a good way for the people I meet to get to know me a little better, and I really like it when people know me well. It’s satisfying.
So, that’s my intention. I want to document my journey out into the real world after college. All the more exciting because I have no idea what on earth that is going to entail. I want to give the important people in my life access to that experience, even if they’re far away and even if I don’t call them as much as I probably should.
I want to encourage people I know to do the same thing, because I would love to read it.
I said that I would publish this address as soon as I had three entries, and it seems as though I do, as of this moment, right now.
I really hope I can keep this up, because I think, if I can, that it’s going to be a really good thing.
Hey! If you have a blog or something like it, let me know! Also, tell me if I can put it on this page, because I would love to.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Cat Problems
I left the cat outside today, and it’s all I can think about. I had class at noon, so I had a long, lazy morning in the sunny kitchen, playing a genius mix of Andrew Bird’s Masterfade, my song of the week, eating breakfast and reading blogs. It was lovely.
Because it was so nice and bright outside and since I had all morning before I had to leave, I decided to let the cat outside. She likes to lie in the sun and eat our plants. We like to let her lie in the sun and throw pens at her when she tries to eat our plants.*
Occasionally she’ll act out, though. Generally when I want her to come back home, I’ll chase her. She’ll run up the stairs on one side, across the second floor walkway and then down the other stairs and into the apartment.This works out well. She gets the joy of evading me, and I get a cat back into the apartment. Sometimes she runs down the stairs down to the parking lot and hides under the cars. This is the worst. The very worst thing. I hate this. This is, of course, what she decided to do today right before I had to go catch the bus. She hid so well that when I went down to the parking lot to look for her I could not find her anywhere.
I decided that I had to leave. I decided that she gets to stay outside until I get home. I am extremely nervous that something is going to happen to her while I’m in this class. All the other times that she has been stuck outside for long periods of time were accidents. This time, if something happens to her, it will be completely my fault and I will feel horribly guilty. I really want to get home and find my cat.
*When Devon and I went to the grocery store yesterday, she picked one of my markers up off the ground, which had clearly fallen off the balcony. “Oh. Threw it at the cat?” I had.
Now it’s nearly six in the evening. She isn’t back yet. I’ve been circling the block, looking, making noises that mean “I’m talking to you” in cat-speak. A combination of clucks and kisses. I don’t know where she could be. I’m all alone in my cold apartment, since I’ve had the window and door wide open all day, in case she decides to come back. You don’t often see cats run over by cars, right? I mean, occasionally by the highway, but even then it’s mostly raccoons and squirrels. Even dumb soft house cats have a certain amount of animal instinct, right? I’m pretty sure she’s not on the block. She’s so noisy, I think I would have heard her.
I’m definitely bringing the cat with me when I move. It was never a question, really. It will be more difficult to find cheap housing and it will mean riding in the car with a pissed off feline for 11 hours, but those are incidental concerns. I love that cat. She’s adorable and snuggly and comes when she’s called, but only if I’m sitting in bed and nobody else is around. She’s too cool to show affection or obedience in front of company. She gives me something to talk to when I’m alone, and feel less crazy. I am going to talk to myself anyway, but I like that she gives me an excuse. She is super soft. Uncommonly soft. She’s also got leetle fangs that hang out of her mouth and make her look very very vicious. If I can have my little furry friend with me, I think I will be just fine moving somewhere new. I never really feel lonely when the cat’s around.
Which is why I hate this so much, at least in part. I’m worried that she’s in trouble, or scared or lost. Almost definitely hungry and cold by now. But also because I’m lonely. I don’t like to spend too much time away from the cat. The house feels so empty right now. I think I’ll make signs and put them up around the neighborhood. Her collar has the wrong phone number on it. I’m drawing them by hand, because I don’t have a computer printer. They have a cartoon of a fluffy black cat, with the descriptors
*All Black
*Fluffy Tail
*BIG VOICE
And a warning that she might try to go inside any open doors.
Devon’s back home now, and is making me feel better by insisting that she will show up when she feels like it, with a whole lot to say about her adventures. I’m going to go to bed now. And I’m going to close the window for the first time today. I believe that she will come back. If she does come back, I know my cat- she’ll tell us, loudly, until we come let her in.
UPDATE:: She’s back! She showed up at the door this morning, and Devon let her in. The meowing woke me up. She is so loud! I am so excited to see her! It all worked out fine. I wonder where she’s been!
Because it was so nice and bright outside and since I had all morning before I had to leave, I decided to let the cat outside. She likes to lie in the sun and eat our plants. We like to let her lie in the sun and throw pens at her when she tries to eat our plants.*
Occasionally she’ll act out, though. Generally when I want her to come back home, I’ll chase her. She’ll run up the stairs on one side, across the second floor walkway and then down the other stairs and into the apartment.This works out well. She gets the joy of evading me, and I get a cat back into the apartment. Sometimes she runs down the stairs down to the parking lot and hides under the cars. This is the worst. The very worst thing. I hate this. This is, of course, what she decided to do today right before I had to go catch the bus. She hid so well that when I went down to the parking lot to look for her I could not find her anywhere.
I decided that I had to leave. I decided that she gets to stay outside until I get home. I am extremely nervous that something is going to happen to her while I’m in this class. All the other times that she has been stuck outside for long periods of time were accidents. This time, if something happens to her, it will be completely my fault and I will feel horribly guilty. I really want to get home and find my cat.
*When Devon and I went to the grocery store yesterday, she picked one of my markers up off the ground, which had clearly fallen off the balcony. “Oh. Threw it at the cat?” I had.
Now it’s nearly six in the evening. She isn’t back yet. I’ve been circling the block, looking, making noises that mean “I’m talking to you” in cat-speak. A combination of clucks and kisses. I don’t know where she could be. I’m all alone in my cold apartment, since I’ve had the window and door wide open all day, in case she decides to come back. You don’t often see cats run over by cars, right? I mean, occasionally by the highway, but even then it’s mostly raccoons and squirrels. Even dumb soft house cats have a certain amount of animal instinct, right? I’m pretty sure she’s not on the block. She’s so noisy, I think I would have heard her.
I’m definitely bringing the cat with me when I move. It was never a question, really. It will be more difficult to find cheap housing and it will mean riding in the car with a pissed off feline for 11 hours, but those are incidental concerns. I love that cat. She’s adorable and snuggly and comes when she’s called, but only if I’m sitting in bed and nobody else is around. She’s too cool to show affection or obedience in front of company. She gives me something to talk to when I’m alone, and feel less crazy. I am going to talk to myself anyway, but I like that she gives me an excuse. She is super soft. Uncommonly soft. She’s also got leetle fangs that hang out of her mouth and make her look very very vicious. If I can have my little furry friend with me, I think I will be just fine moving somewhere new. I never really feel lonely when the cat’s around.
Which is why I hate this so much, at least in part. I’m worried that she’s in trouble, or scared or lost. Almost definitely hungry and cold by now. But also because I’m lonely. I don’t like to spend too much time away from the cat. The house feels so empty right now. I think I’ll make signs and put them up around the neighborhood. Her collar has the wrong phone number on it. I’m drawing them by hand, because I don’t have a computer printer. They have a cartoon of a fluffy black cat, with the descriptors
*All Black
*Fluffy Tail
*BIG VOICE
And a warning that she might try to go inside any open doors.
Devon’s back home now, and is making me feel better by insisting that she will show up when she feels like it, with a whole lot to say about her adventures. I’m going to go to bed now. And I’m going to close the window for the first time today. I believe that she will come back. If she does come back, I know my cat- she’ll tell us, loudly, until we come let her in.
UPDATE:: She’s back! She showed up at the door this morning, and Devon let her in. The meowing woke me up. She is so loud! I am so excited to see her! It all worked out fine. I wonder where she’s been!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The End
This is not The End.
This is a post about The End.
The specific End I am referring to is set to occur at a point either 5 or 16 weeks in the future, depending on how I am choosing to count it, moment to moment.
I am a student at UC Santa Cruz currently enrolled in my 11th quarter, 181st unit and final requirement for my BA* in Psychology. I will graduate in 5 short weeks. The End.
That makes sense, right? Except, apart from the fact that I will be -A College Graduate- nothing is going to change. I am going to stay right here, in my darling apartment with my lovely friends, I am going to continue collecting my allowance, playing Settlers of Catan, and working my college job as cashier at The Store. I am going to pretend that I am staying in school and graduating with all of my friends. I am putting off life for 10 more weeks, and I think that it is perfectly logical and fair.
Thus, it could also be argued that The End will be 16 weeks from now. You see?
The closer it gets, the more I like that second number.
This is a post about The End.
The specific End I am referring to is set to occur at a point either 5 or 16 weeks in the future, depending on how I am choosing to count it, moment to moment.
I am a student at UC Santa Cruz currently enrolled in my 11th quarter, 181st unit and final requirement for my BA* in Psychology. I will graduate in 5 short weeks. The End.
That makes sense, right? Except, apart from the fact that I will be -A College Graduate- nothing is going to change. I am going to stay right here, in my darling apartment with my lovely friends, I am going to continue collecting my allowance, playing Settlers of Catan, and working my college job as cashier at The Store. I am going to pretend that I am staying in school and graduating with all of my friends. I am putting off life for 10 more weeks, and I think that it is perfectly logical and fair.
Thus, it could also be argued that The End will be 16 weeks from now. You see?
The closer it gets, the more I like that second number.
I have a voice in my head, a voice that sounds a lot like my extra-literal mother, saying "It's not the End! Why would you say it's the End? That sounds so depressing! Fatalistic! Morbid!" Of course it's not actually The End, say, of time, or of my life or of humanity, but honestly, at this moment, when I try to imagine the future? My imagination putts along nicely for 16 weeks and then it falls off a cliff.
What do I know about my future right now? First and foremost, I know, completely and securely, that everything will be ok. I have a college degree. (I know I don't, technically, yet, but it's reached the point in the quarter where I feel like even if I stopped going to class entirely and didn't turn in another single thing, they'd probably still give me a C. There's basically no way to screw it up now.) I don't have any debt. I don't have any physical deformities and I'm pretty good with people when I have to be. I have a resume full of job experience and some solid references.
I am going to be fine.
If I didn't have a little bit of a pit in the bottom of my stomach whenever I thought about the future, would I have felt the need to make that list? Probably not. Anway. Moving on.
I know where I am going to be. I'm moving to Corvallis, OR. 11 hour s from Santa Cruz, due North. I've even been there a few times. I don't really know it yet, though. I can remember the way I saw Santa Cruz when I first moved here. It made no sense. No order, no center. That's how Corvallis feels now.
I know some of the major characters. My birthmother and her husband. My brother and sister. I know them. I've met them. I don't know what it's going to be like to be their family, though. To really get to know them in the way that can only be achieved by being around them for a long, long time. I've met a few other people too, on my visits. People I may get to know better, or may not see again.
That's pretty much all I've got. A little bit of the where. A little bit of the who. A lot of opportunity and empty space.
But like I said, it's going to be ok. The End is coming, but it's not the end. When the time comes I'll pack up my stuff and my cat and see what happens in the epilogue.
Because at this point? I have no idea.
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